Thanks for checking out my Arctic Dogs Review!
Have you ever thought about why kids movies, a lot of the time, are only made for kids? Adults have to sit through these movies too!
Arctic Dogs was a fun film, but not without a bunch of mistakes and laziness on the filmmakers.
Hope you enjoy my Arctic Dogs Review on Movies Are Dumb Sometimes! What movies should I review next?
Decent Transcription for Arctic Dogs Review
I know Arctic Dogs is a kids’ movie, but Hollywood, you got to stop taking your a-List actors and treating them like they’re idiots!
So basically, Arctic Dogs is about a fox who wants to be basically a dog who the three dogs in the town of Taigasville. They are like the superstars because of they’re the connection to the outside world. They bring in the mail and everybody loves them. The fox goes and works for the mail service – The Arctic Blast Delivery Service I believe it’s called – and he gets a job there.
He’s like excited and then what is his one job? Oh, go pull that lever and then the box comes down and it goes to an albatross who then scans it, puts a sticker on it, and then there’s PB, the polar bear, who puts it in a cart there loads it onto the cart or something, I don’t know.
But this movie, straight from the start, I don’t like because it is so pro labor union that it is ridiculous. One person could literally do those three jobs with about as much efficiency and they are saying to kids “Hey look! We have three individual jobs here that are being performed by three individuals and they need to have it”
Like and the thing was is that the walrus in the movie, Otto von Walrus, he’s the one who came up with this system and he’s supposedly like a genius…and I know I know I know…it’s a kids movie. Kids probably won’t pick up on that, but if we’re gonna treat them like documentaries, because a lot of people nowadays think movies are documentaries, they’ll actually look at this movement go “Oh that’s how things should run. That’s how – look at all these – Jeremy Renner, Alec Baldwin, Heidi Klum – all of these great actors support this movie that means that means everything in this movie is the best!”
And that’s the wrong and have but a lot of people have this mentality that every single movie is a documentary and should be taken with one hundred percent of seriousness…
Just look at The Hunt.
One thing I think this movie does really well is point out how…they don’t have social media in this movie, but they might, but they never talk about it, but the three dogs after a few years of doing their job of delivering the mail, they’re getting old. They’re getting tired of it, but they put on their game faces – that’s what Duke, I think, he’s the main one – he’s like “Yeah, come on guys, you know we’re over this, but put on your game face!”
And that’s what exactly social media does – everybody posts on they’re all they’re happy and exciting times – you get those random people that post like really dark and depressing stuff, like, whoa dude! But yeah, I looked at this is like, “Hey, look when you’re around other people when other people see you, you have to be happy,” and that’s not how it should be because you should be living your real self! But hey, they were getting paid so who knows?
So you know how in kids’ movies, they always have the moments when they have like adult jokes and stuff in there. The, walrus, Otto Von Walrus – he has built this little spider leg contraption thing so he doesn’t have to walk and stuff.
But right where his penis would be there is a hole and out of this hole comes up expandable-retractable arm or whatever. He’s like the evil villain. He’s like “Arrrrgh!” played by John Cleese “Aarrrgh!” and then at one point his evil penis comes out and grabs the Fox, Jade.
Yeah it is like grabbing, whipping her around and I’m like “Oh my God! We got another! This is like super Roger Ailes and super Harvey Weinstein moment going on here!” But the kids aren’t gonna get it, so I get a good laugh. Hehe.
So Jade is the girl Fox that the main fox I can’t remember his name for some reason….Oh! Faster swifty Swifty’s love interest in this movie, but by the way Jeremy Renner and Heidi Klum for whatever reason we’re not good picks to voice these characters. I don’t know why! I’m not saying they didn’t do a bad or good job. It just didn’t feel like it fit right.
But this world that they live in, this small little town in the middle of nowhere…there’s nobody to talk to. These two have an obvious attraction to each other. She has a super obvious attraction to him he doesn’t see it because he thinks he has to be an Arctic Dog to get the girl that he wants. At one point in this movie, he’s like “So what’s the world like?”
Like this conversation has never come up ever. She’s been gone. She’s traveled the world and she’s been back for a while now…and this is one thing in movies when they do this – like they’ll start a conversation in one place and then they cut to another place in the conversation is just now starting.
Like in the movie with the Beatles, Yesterday, Jack Malick and the Lily James character in that movie – she goes to him and says, “We have something to talk about.”
He goes, “Okay.” and then it cuts to like five hours later and they’re walking on the beach.
And she goes, “Oh, so what I wanted to talk about to you was…” and I’m like “That’s not… why? Why? People don’t act like this!”
And on top of this when Swifty thought he goes and makes like an emergency delivery. When that lever isn’t being pulled like the whole world is out of order. Again, like the union’s want you to think to do this extremely simple job that a machine could easily do, then the world’s done!
Now ,there’s one the quick little scene with the top dogs, the arctic dogs, in the spill where they’re going out. It’s nighttime and they’re talking about Swifty and how he’s all like “Yeah, you know, he wants to be an Arctic Dog, a top dog,” and they’re like talking about whether they should let him do this or not.
What do you think? That’s a really good question. If somebody obviously shouldn’t be doing something because they’re just not cut out for it – do you think it’s right to stop them or should you just let them keep living this dream that will possibly never succeed?
So of course you can kind of call it um maybe this ain’t a big spoiler but we aren’t Arctic guards the top dogs get put out of commission so Swifty has to step up. Now he’s the delivery guy and he goes and he delivers and he delivers everything in the town nearby I presume because he has one package left to take to Otto von Walrus. He’s taking the package there, but he’s pulling it on the sleigh and it’s a small package like tiny and it’s like “Why? Why is he pulling this sleigh like all the way out to where this guy lives? You just carry the box!”
And there is an old moral point that this movie has that is one of the most important things I took away from this movie…that most kids should take away from this movie…because kids you know they’re imaginations they run a little bit wild, brother.
They have the point where Swifty is always like coming up with these big stories and then he comes up with the big story but it’s actually real like the walrus is going to explode basically everything – blow up, everything with his plan that he wants to do, and though his best friend, PB the Polar Bear, doesn’t listen to him. He’s like “You’re doing this all the time. Calm down.”
Children, if you watch this movie, I hope you understood that!
Everything is Wrestling In This Arctic Dogs Review
Everything is wrestling! Once again, so Otto Von Walrus – his initials are OVW, which in Pro Wrestling there was a company called Ohio Valley Wrestling, which was run by Jim Cornette and about halfway through this movie there’s a point where the walrus does a laugh. It sounds so much like Jim Cornette’s laugh! It only happened that one time and I’m like “Somebody watches wrestling!”
So there’s one spot in this movie where, near the end, the good guys are up on this giant iceberg cliff thing and they’re looking down at the bad guys. One of them makes a sound or something and then they go “Oh! Turn on the spotlight up there” and they turn on the spotlight up there and I’m just like “Duck! Duck! Duck! Duck! Duck! Duck! Duck!”
And of course the good guys don’t duck and it’s like well whatever happens to them now they deserve it!
Then they get put in these cages that I’m like…Okay so there’s these two otters I believe they are like two little like beaver looking guys – they’re not beavers, they’re otters, I don’t know but, they’re the French ones that “Le Resistance” – Swifty and all the other characters are putting to this cage they don’t even try to get out of the cage and I’m almost a hundred percent sure that if one of them would have tried to slip in between the bars they would have made it, especially near the door because there was a bigger spot by the door.
During this whole sequence, Polar Bear, PB was throwing him up to another cage when it was just as hard to throw them to safety because they’re being lowered into this vat of boiling something and he was throwing them up to this other cage when he could have just went this way and threw mine to safe land.
Like “Oh!” I know it’s a kids movie, but you have A-Liist actors in this thing. At least give them the courtesy!
Okay! I’ve gone on long enough about Arctic Dogs. It was kind of a fun film. I’m glad I saw it. There were a couple moments in it I enjoyed, but I’m not gonna keep going. I’m sure I’ve gone on too long, but if you liked my rants and you would like to see more rants, go ahead and click subscribe!
Did you have any problems with Arctic Dogs? Did you love it? Did you like it did your kids like it?
I guess that’s the most important thing. I don’t have any kids – that would be the most important thing if the kids liked or not.
But if they did, leave it in the comments below let’s see what they liked
I appreciate your time and I’ll catch you next movie review! This was my Arctic Dogs Review.
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