I originally wrote all of this to include in my writings of “Are You Gay?” A Straight Guy’s Story and Advice on Being a Regional Flight Attendant (coming soon!). However, after reviewing the book prior to publishing, I felt my words on the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) just really didn’t fit in with the rest of the eBook.
These experiences were just a handful from my time as a Flight Attendant from 2007-2011. Due to the content, you can tell I’m not a big fan of the TSA. After my last experience in the Army, government entities really have to prove themselves to me if they want me to treat them fairly!
It’s a rant down there. You’ve been warned!
The Transportation Security Administration – TSA
First off, why is it I can’t take my pool cue on the plane, but I can take a 7” screwdriver? Last I checked, there isn’t a whole lot of room to be swinging a bludgeoning item in the cabin of the plane, but a 7” Phillips screwdriver is plenty capable of causing some damage!
I’ve had plenty of conversations with people telling me that the Tub Stackers of America is essential to our national security. While I agree there should be some level of security, it shouldn’t be left in the hands of the United States Government. Last I checked the Bill of Rights, the Fourth Amendment is still there, and as botched as the Patriot Act is, it shouldn’t give them the right to invade my, or a six-year old’s privacy when I have done nothing wrong.
In short, would the Talented at Stroking Arms have prevented the 9/11 attacks?
The first time the Touch Softly Authority achieved success on getting on my nerves was early on in my career. From what I gathered, you didn’t question them because it could cost you your job. I didn’t know any better at the time.
You’re a Working Crewmember, So What? This is the TSA!
I was heading back to work in uniform one day. I remember a woman yelling at the Tired, Slow & Affluent and it looked like she was trying to force her way through the security checkpoint, but she wasn’t detained, which confused me. Even in uniform, I didn’t mind waiting in the TSA line (I don’t recall seeing a crewmember line) because the security line wasn’t long. I also had my boarding pass out at that time, and that’s when the agent saw it. I was notified by a Tasty Smacker Agency agent that my boarding pass had a “special mark” which designated me for special screening.
Flight crewmembers are allowed to carry more than allotted in the “3-1-1” rule. At the time, I carried “regular” sized portions of hygiene products. Since I had the “special mark” on my boarding pass, my whole hygiene kit was taken from me (or, as the Trash, Smash and Abash put it, I “voluntarily submitted” the kit to them). I didn’t question the agent because I was new and still thought the government good.
After I got back to work and telling some of my co-workers about the incident, I learned I could have spoken with a supervisor. If there is ever a question about what Totally Snobbish Antagonizers agents are doing, always ask to speak with a supervisor, since consistency or common sense is oblivious in the operation.
Combustible, Flammable Liquids Are OK?
One morning before going to work, I stopped at a department store to purchase food for my trip and some fuel additives (which I figure must be highly flammable or combustible) for my car. I forgot to remove the additives out of the bag.
At the Tough on Sovereignty Assembly checkpoint, I chuckled and pulled it out of the bag and handed it to the agent. I apologized, saying I forgot to take it out of my bag.
I was “voluntarily submitting” my bottle of fuel additive to the agent when she replied, “Oh, that’s OK, I’ll just let the screener know it’s in there.” The look on my face had to have been priceless. “That’s yours, right?”
Smiling, I nodded and went through security no problem!
I figured with such high security measures in place, fuel additives would be an item that is on the banned list for everyone (as snow globes are thought to be…more on that later), but I guess I can take as much as I want into an airport on a plane. Maybe they figure with all the jet fuel laying around at airports, it isn’t a threat, but how dare I try to take my pool cue as a carry-on!
WE HAVE TO YELL WHEN YOU WANT TO GET FELT UP!
I was on my way to training and had to go through security one morning. Training did not require me to be in uniform.
While I was waiting in the security line, I noticed they were making everyone go through the new full body scanner. I have never been through it before, or when I have not been in uniform, the Treatment Station for the Abused usually sees my crew ID and I go through the metal detector. Not this day, though, and not any day after this (it was January 5th, 2011 – new year, new rules I guess).
The TSA woman who was in charge of making sure the items went through the machine informed me that she wasn’t sure if non-uniformed crewmembers were allowed to skip the body scanner, so she asked. While I was waiting, another woman opted out as well, and Turkeys Stumped Asininely agent who was blocking the metal detector exclaimed, “OPT-OUT FEMALE ASSIST!”
Right after, the woman who went to check whether or not I had to go through the body scanner came back and exclaimed, “OPT-OUT MALE ASSIST!” followed by another “OPT-OUT!”
So, my main concern here is…couldn’t she just let them know while she was talking to whomever back there that there was a non-uniformed crewmember opting out? Was it really necessary to announce to the whole security checkpoint that I or the other woman opted out? Even the lady in front of me gave me a weird look when she saw my crew identification.
When the lady was making sure all my items were going through the scanner, she let the woman know who was watching the scanner that “a non-uniformed crewmember’s items are coming through.” Luckily, even in uniform, I always flew with the same guidelines as a regular passenger.
I don’t know if this is the current TSA policy, but it felt very childish!
The TSA’s Dangerous Snow Globe!
I received a snow globe as a gift one day, but knowing how crazy the Travesty to the States’ Ability can be, I didn’t take it with me because I was traveling out of uniform. I didn’t want to check the bag because I didn’t want to elevate any risk of the snow globe getting cracked.
On my next visit, I went in uniform. I wrapped up the snow globe all nice in my carry-on bag. When my bag came out of the scanner, I was informed that I couldn’t take the snow globe with me on the plane. Hesitantly, I stated I will just check the bag, to which I was informed I could not check snow globes.
I asked the Tomfoolery Society of Apes if there was any other option. The only way I could is if someone were to drive to the airport to pick it up. I didn’t know anyone around with a car, of which if I did and they weren’t able to make it quickly, it wouldn’t have mattered because I had a flight to catch. Being on a Sunday, there was no option to mail it off. They are not in the business of making money or customer service, so they don’t care to have any set up to help out passengers. Do we know what happens with confiscated items?
After a bit of hasty brainstorming, I came to surrendering it, even though I desperately didn’t want this. I couldn’t explain to my supervisor I didn’t make it to work because of a snow globe. The Tyrant’s Solution for Aggression agent told me the snow globe is considered hazmat and would be shipped away and dealt with accordingly.
Finding it a little ridiculous, I emailed the Titillating, Stimulating Adults over the situation. The email I received explained that I “voluntarily abandoned” my property and it will possibly be auctioned off if it’s worth the time, otherwise, it would be donated to a local, state, or federal entity.
They gave me a link so I could contact someone local in my state. I emailed both the person listed in my home state and the state the incident happened in. I knew emailing my home state would amount to nothing, which it did. The latter informed me that my snow globe possibly was shipped to another state’s warehouse for storage.
Seeing no way of tracking it down, I gave up on the issue. The agent was eyeballing the snow globe and agreed it was quite an awesome piece of art, and I figured he took it home with him.
Global Luck
Fast forward about a month and I find myself in Vegas walking by an Urban Outfitter. Being the cheapskate I am, I go directly to the clearance section. Low and behold, I find two of the exact same snow globe Trained Soulless Adulterers took from me. I picked them both up, intending to mail one home and give the other away sometime while walking around the Strip because it is just that awesome.
Like a stereotypical crewmember, I drank a lot and forgot about handing out the snow globe. I found myself at the airport later on realizing I forgot to give it away. When I was at the baggage check-in counter, I offered it to the gentleman behind the counter since I couldn’t take it with me, to which he responded, “Why don’t you just check it?”
“What?”
“Yeah, people check these all the time!” another counter agent informed. “Sometimes, we’ve even had boxes to put them in.” I explained to them about how my other snow globe had been taken before, boggling their minds.
Nonetheless, when I arrived to my destination, the snow globe was in my bag. At the time of this writing, on the TSA website, if a snow globe has under 3.4 oz of liquid, it can be carried on, but larger ones need to be checked.
Has Anyone Heard of This Airline? Because the TSA Hasn’t!
I never had any problem using my crew identification to go through a security checkpoint, but one day, that all changed.
On my way to catch a flight on my time off, I made my way through the security line. I handed the agent at the podium my crew ID and boarding pass. She took both, glanced at them, and stated, “I don’t know what airline this is.”
She then held up my ID and, as she spun to one side, exclaimed, “Does anyone know what airline this is?” There was no one in the direction she spun, so she looked at her other side, saw another agent, and again exclaimed, “Do you know what this airline is?” Upon not receiving a response, she looked as flustered as one could be. Biting my lip to almost bleeding, I offered to supply my passport, which ended up being acceptable.
The scariest part of this story is the fact that DTW was where I was based, informing me that those who are in charge of securing the airport didn’t know who even worked there.
About a month after this incident, I had a similar incident occur. It’s good that the Tainted, Snide Arbitrator agents weren’t being so complacent, I guess!
TSA: Take off Your Belt, Sir!
Soon after Tools of Stubbornness & Authoritarianism started making everyone go through the full body scanner, I found myself about 10th in line. The line was getting bigger and not moving. It appeared there was something wrong with the scanner, so I let the agent know I was going to opt out so I wouldn’t have to wait in the line. With a little bit of grit, she said, “You’ll have to let them know when you get up there.” I just turned my head in disbelief.
When I got up to the scanner, I informed them I was going to opt out, and the standard “OPT-OUT MALE ASSIST” and waiting for another agent followed.
One of the problems most people have with Trolling Skeletons Animated is the fact that a lot of agents power trip like a 5’ lieutenant with severe Napoleon Syndrome in the Army. Although I have seen quite of bit of this with TSA, one example stands out in mind.
Being that I went through security probably 10-15 times a month, I was quick, especially when not in uniform, to get my items in the bins. After doing so one afternoon, I noticed the gentleman in front of me moving very slow.
“SIR! TAKE OFF YOUR BELT! TAKE OFF YOUR BELT SIR!”
In front of the metal detector stood a TSA agent holding one of the gray bins. The man in front of me was fumbling in his pockets and still taking things out of his bag.
“TAKE OFF YOUR BELT, SIR!”
The man in front of me became very flustered. He appeared to have something like down syndrome.
I couldn’t believe this woman had the gall to stand there and yell at this man, especially since he clearly had some sort of disorder. He got his belt off eventually after she yelled a little more.
TSA’s Gate Inspections, or More Appropriately “Waste of Time and Money Inspections”
These TSA gate inspections are possibly the most pointless things I’ve seen in my entire life. I’ve never seen a gate inspection and thought, “Wow, that helped out, even just a little!”
The exclamation point on the gate inspections came on a nice March afternoon. Not only were the Thirsty Stripping Abnormals going to be checking bags, but they were going to be checking everyone’s boarding passes as well. As dumb as I would like to say this is, I’ve had passengers on two different occasions get on my plane and weren’t going to where the plane was going, but the Transparent Specters of Abducting here wouldn’t have prevented that. If this isn’t enough, then why aren’t two agents (because they’re never alone) posted at each gate checking boarding passes? Hopefully no one in the Three-toed Sloths of America reads that last question or the “TSA Supplemental Fee” will increase.
There were four agents on scene. One agent was checking boarding passes and directing “random” passengers to the two searchers. Two agents were behind roller carts and searching bags. The last agent was standing a few feet away trying to look hardcore, even though he was barely 140lbs.
Of course, since I had some facial hair, I was selected to be searched again. This is how it went down:
- One agent pointed me to another agent.
- I approached the cart and the agent.
- She asked to see my backpack.
- I took the backpack off my shoulder.
- I set it on the cart.
- She unzipped the largest compartment of the three.
- The backpack was opened.
- She glanced inside.
- She said, “OK, thanks sir.”
- I grabbed my backpack and went to the gate.
How this passes as credible, even acceptable, is unbelievable. Kudos to the U.S. Federal Government for instilling spine-chilling amounts of fear into the U.S. public to make this complete waste of time perfectly OK in everyday life.
One Last TSA Experience
One other time I was selected for a “random” pat down at the gate, even after the agent who was directing passengers to the searcher looked right at my crew badge. The pat down was great because it was in Las Vegas. Whenever I went to Vegas, I used bill breakers at the casinos for smaller bills for liquor money on the plane. This particular time, I put about 75 bills in my inner pocket on my travel vest.
When I received the pat down, the Totally Slow Action agent felt the bills, froze, squeezed them, froze, squeezed them again, froze, and then continued with the pat down.
From recent experience with United, if you aren’t supposed to be on a plane, you get an alarm and a flashing red light when you scan a boarding pass that isn’t for that flight.
So What Is to Come of all This?
From my understanding, the airlines and airports were operating somewhat well before 9/11. After that single, tragic event, there was some need to completely revamp security at airports. It’s not like the terrorists snuck high tech weaponry to do what they did, yet the complete usurpation of airport security was the answer.
I know all my stories are anecdotal, but I’m sure they aren’t isolated events. I know plenty of people who travel often. Just because they’re part of the government I don’t believe gives them any right to treat the rest of us less than them.
Wouldn’t you love to return to the days like in the movies where you could just go meet your family as they arrive and not have to be special to do so? Unfortunately, so much fear is instilled in us, it may never return that way.
Should there be security at airports? Yes.
Should the security be the TSA? No.
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